I have been on the internet for the longest time ever, since I was 12. I grew up on it and learned new moral structures on it as well as had relationships off and on with people older than I was during high school and then when I got to my 20s I had relationships with people in my same age group.
I am 25 now and well I never really got to IRL dating, I had relationships in the IRL 4 of them I think, but 2 of them got started online and moved to IRL. Yep, I know many people will say, “But Sebby, isn’t that dangerous?”
To those people I will say, nothing in this world is not dangerous, we are all going to die any way, I liked these people enough to meet them in the IRL and so far nothing bad happened, well except that our relationships did not work. Mr. S as I am going to call him lived far away, I went to see him over there, the plan was for friendship but his whole family thought of us as bf and gf so I was like…okay? But nothing official was in place at all, he gave me a necklace for a gift and to be honest it was a second gift I have ever received from a guy. I never really expected much from them since usually guys never came when I invited them to hang out, they usually left me there hanging.
I should be used to that by now but I guess like my way of seeing humanity, I always have this stupid belief that one day I will find a human worth my while, stupid huh?
So after that I had to pay his ticket to come to see me, yes, I am usually always the one that has to put forth everything, I guess it’s because I wanted it to work out? I am such a foolish girl, I bought him God knows how many things, that perhaps, I should have kept for my damn self! I really regret not doing that, and on top of that I left a lot of the stuff I bought for myself at his house. I never got it back, and you know what, I don’t need it. Oh, yes I got a gift from him it was a Good Charlotte Cd, we were both into that band. We liked to pretend to be all goth and stuff, when we were both into Savage Garden, funny huh? Of course we did couple stuff, and another thing we had in common was we both cut, yeah, talk about disaster.
I always kept expecting that he would feel the same about me, that he would be worried about me, when I went back home that time I went to his house, I called him to tell him I was fine, he wasn’t too happy about it because it was in the AM. Freaking retarded perhaps it is because my family is like that, usually they call us to tell us they are okay no matter how late it is.
I really don’t see time when it comes to people I cherish, and apparently that’s another foolish part of me.
Fast forward to the time I was going to move for X amount of reason, I decided to try to find people in the town I was going to move to. I found one, we got talking he was very funny very interesting, I really liked him. Then when I met him, it was the 1st day I moved to the town I now live in. We said we were going to meet in Eckerd Pharmacy this was back in 2005, that was the only place I knew that sold food and I had been eating bread and ricota cheese for Lucifer knows how long. I really can’t stand ricota cheese now, or white bread to be honest.
So the guy Mr. R he helped me to move he offered, he came to our house helped us with a few things, it was cool to have someone help out. Then I carried something, I remember and he tried to help me, then he noticed I didn’t feel well so he told me, “Can I massage, your back?” I didn’t find any harm in it, instead it would be a large help because I was in pain, so I said “sure,why not.” his hands were nice and it helped me a lot.
Days passed perhaps a week and he came over, we said we were going to wear our Foamy shirts, since we were also both into that series, I am still into it, just that i haven’t really watched it lately, he kind of ruined it for me. Then I noticed he had a piercing, I had not noticed that the first day we met, he had a dragon shirt that day we first met, but he was pretty cute looking so I didn’t give a crap. But this time, he looked so awesome, we went to eat food at my neighbors house, he was there and he brought me the food to where I sat we started talking about random things. He smelled like tobacco but he never smoked around me, because he knew I hated it. I really liked the guy, then I asked him, “hey how does it feel like to have a piercing in your mouth?” It was a very scientific question in my mind but then as I was showing him around my property the other house we had which was vacant at the time. He pinned me to the wall and said, “You wanted to know what it felt like to have a piercing in your mouth, right?” I was like ‘ Yeah, why?” and then he lifted my chin and kissed me, I was shocked so I put no fight and Gods, I didn’t want to put a fight, I liked the guy right.
He was nice to me and I enjoyed hanging out with him every week for the next 3 weeks and then he said “I’ll go see you next Tuesday, ” and next Tuesday never came. I found out that he left and went to Job Corp which was far from here and then I went on with my life, I walked around the street where he said he lived, just to see if I could find him.
Nothing, I get all odd when I like someone, I know. I can’t help it!
So, then time passed, there was a garage sale at this house, and there, I saw him giving a cup to this beautiful woman with blond hair, I am not going to lie to you, I felt jealousy, I wanted to cry. I was 19 years old and that summer love of 05 was gone, it was dead and buried. My mother and brother wanted to see the sale because they were selling things, I pretended not to see it. I kept walking, if I had stayed there, I would have probably cried with there. I am proud, I am very fucking proud. I would not do that or bring myself to do that, I think I only cried in front of one guy once, that was Mr.S. He used to love to tell me where, to walk and where not to walk, I was stupid, I didn’t tell him to fuck off right then and there. Now, anyone try to do such thing to me, I would tell them to FUCK OFF!.
He did not stay away from this place, no he didn’t, I found him working at Kmart, my brother and mother wanted to say hi to him again, and guess what, he was my damn cashier. Fate was horrible I had gained weight, I was not the same woman that he had kissed that one summer, I was different, and now I am not even close to that woman that fell for that guy she met that summer. I think it was one of the biggest puppy crushes, I ever had, it was the wrong person and the wrong time, I guess. I don’t regret the closure that I got that day, while in Kmart. I put my purchases on the register and I walked right up to him, gave him the money and then not even said thank you, just put the things back in the cart and left. I left him forever.
Eventually, I messaged him on AIM, I had not known it was him! I thought it was this other guy, I had become friends with who lived in California, but no it was Mr. R, he was like, “Oh, you are from my hometown,” he said. I was like ” shit…” He told me that he went to the army and moved to god knows where the fuck, and I was like that’s good. The conversation died, it felt awkward and then he said he had to leave. I kept using that same account and he tried to message me again but nothing, I didn’t let him even get through.
I really do not know what happened to that grey cell phone with the blue light which I used to spend time texting him with, I remember that my room was large and I felt special, really I did, that someone would actually talk to me late at night.
Now, we are going to talk about strict online crushes, Mr. Se, this boy was in England, I was 18 and I was in my Senior year. I really liked this guy, he had nice light eyes and such a pretty voice. He was in university and me still a high school girl. Our relationship got going it lasted for 6 months, of course, I was stupid I made my friends met him. They told him “Oh, Sebby just can’t stop talking about you.” Yeah, I tend to be one track minded, I guess that’s because I am agendered, I do not really fit into the whole, I am a girl, I should act like this. I really really have no filter in my mind, I say what I want to say. That usually gets me into trouble, or gets people scared of me.
Mr. Se played a joke on me and I don’t really do well with jokes and then on top of that he said he met someone in myspace, “Who is also Wiccan and believes in the same stuff you do and guess what, she is in ENGLAND!”
That really pissed me off, I hate HATE! being compared to people! So, eventually he told me that, he felt like “obligated” to come home every day at 9 pm to talk to me. Because, I got out of school and by that time it was idk 4pm here? Or some bull like that.
1) I never told him to come online at 9pm and not hang out with his mates.
2) I had hw obviously if he wasn’t online, I would have done that.
Then he said that, every time, he asked me something and I would notice that he had a different take on it, I would copy what he was saying and agree with him instead of stating my own opinion and being my ownself.
I was freaking in high school still, I had not seen enough of the real world to actually form an opinion on it! I had no arguments to hold against a University student! I am not stupid, if I saw that I was wrong, I tend to agree with them because I see that my thinking was flawed.
That relationship lasted 6 months I got in IRL with Mr. Cl
Then after that the most serious relationship I had was with Mr. St this was when I was 20. He lived far away from me and he was a University student. We found each other, exactly how? I think I found him on skype. I messaged him of course, it’s always me that messages people, same thing was with Mr. Se I found him on skype and IMed him.
Mr. St. he was going through a relationship issue, and I gave him advice, a lot of it. He was 25 and I was 20, good age difference and he didn’t look that old. He and me talked for hours on the phone, we texted each other, when I was in school he was still sleeping because he lived in the west coast. But he did not mind me calling him or texting him whenever, I wanted to. I really loved that, he was always there when I needed him… I told him that I liked him, yeah, I always end up doing that fucking mistake. He told me he liked me too and that we were going to have a more official relationship. So, time went on we kept talking and stuff and then suddenly I felt something odd. I got this vision, (yes, I get visions at times and feelings) and he was talking to his Ex.
I was watching the fireworks trying to take pictures of them, to send to him like an idiot. And he was talking to her, I was right, he was…He told me in the most oddest moment, and inopportune moment. I had told him to be honest with everything, and yes he was, I am glad he was and I told him, I wanted his happiness but i also wanted my own. If his happiness was with that girl, I was going to let him go, and that’s it.
After that we didn’t talk. He messaged me a few months telling me that he had moved to Oregon and that his new gf didn’t want to go to Japan with him, I told him, that was his fault for choosing wrongly. And then he said ” yeah you are right, when you told me that you were unforgettable.” and i said ” In the end we ended up being like our song, Spica. far away from each other maybe we would never get to meet each other ever in this life.”
Yeah, I don’t know why people realize, what awesome person I am until they leave. This relationship was 6 months as well.
After that I went to second life, I had so many relationships in there, but this time with Korean guys, everything was well they were pretty nice and they liked and were amazed at the fact I spoke Korean.
I ended up with Mr.J It was 2010 and it lasted 6 months. He used to be dominating over me and stuff and well I let him do so but eventually I was like forget this, but we had chemistry so that is why it lasted so long, I found out about his IRL life, it was so different from his SL life but that was fine, I didn’t care after all I knew SL was a fake place.
But then he got into another relationship, and the girl was Korean, this pissed me off. I was the “eldest” in the relationship which meant I needed to keep my eye on this girl, WTF. I left the relationship soon after that.
Then, I got in a relationship with this guy well it was mainly based on music, he and me liked music, my korean was not that well because he did not speak english but we kept talking and talking, in IRL he was a producer so I heard songs that he wrote and he had sung, he was half japanese and half Korean. I had no idea if that was a lie or not but whatever. He didn’t like his japanese side, but we kept talking and he sang and his singing voice was so beautiful, when I heard him talk , it made me feel like crap. His regular voice was so what they call “ssagaji” or jerk voice.
Regardless, I fell for his singing voice, during that time, we were talking to his friend, I was like damn, his talking voice is wayy better than his singing voice but too bad I didn’t meet this guy first.
And then Ms. L came in, she was a japanese manga assistant, she had to spend a lot of hours in the studio but she was taking a vacation in LA so she was there when I was there, she used to sing too, her voice was so pretty and girly, eventually one of my friends found out that she wasn’t a she but a he, I didn’t really give a crap about that since Ms. L gave me something that Mr. producer guy didn’t, that was attention. Ms. L told me that I was liking a “ssagaji’ that I was foolish for this and she thought I was smarter than that.
She and me only lasted a weekend after that things went to hell because Mr. Ssagaji found out and my feelings for him were very strong, wayy stronger than for Ms. L
And I didn’t realize that Mr. Producer liked me because of the language issues, so yeah, he told me ” okay between us it’s fixed but we can pretend not to be a couple in front of everyone else.” I was like fuck this shit.
After that he got married on the game with this older looking woman in IRL that was like 40.
Needless to say I was mad.
Then after that I met Mr.Pos he and me lasted for a while, we were friends he knew about my Korean relationships and all that, and he was really a she in the game, since I had been with Ms. L and the same thing happened, I didn’t give a crap after all who cares what kind of sex the people are. That made me realized that I could fall for people’s personality no matter what sex they were. Thanks, Ms. L I will never forget that lesson you taught me, even if apparently you were a boy, I don’t give a crap, you were a nice person and to think that I went out with a mangaka makes me very happy.
Because I knew about mangaka’s I knew it was odd that a woman would be working as one but, whatever I was just excited to know one and plus Ms. L you took me because that korean girl did not give you the time of day, so I was just a rebound so we are on the same boat.
Mr. Pos was very nice to me and he helped me get higher in the SL life chain and that was great, he and me were both perfect for each other in the game, he knew a lot about scripts and I knew about talking a lot, so it worked in the end but then I became sick in IRL and that affected the whole thing, I couldn’t take being in the club scene in SL giving up my IRL that I just quit and along with that, I quit everything in there. Anyway, I wasn’t a sexual in IRL so Mr. Pos and me wouldn’t be able to be together in IRL any way.
That happened 2 years ago, and ever since then I closed my heart and well now I feel odd because, I feel like it wants to open but I do not want to commit the same mistakes I did in the past. I noticed I been committing some of the same mistakes, as I was writing this, Lucifer made me see that. Yeah, I had no idea really why I got the itch to write this but I see now what I have to do.
Do not do things because people want you to do them.
Do not think that everything that’s online will translate itself IRL.
Get to know people better.
Most important take responsibility for your actions and get to know yourself.
Thanks, Luci…<3 I needed to see this.