Life is full of fleas

Lately I been dealing with a lot of blood suckers, a lot of things have tested me and my soul is still wondering about, I made it thus far. I am going back to university this time I am going to go for Psychology, my boyfriend who is in horticulture explained to me that they get a lot of scholarships and it would be much easier but the thing is that I never been all that smart for sciences (funny because Psychology is a science but it’s behavioral ) like biology which I ended up getting a C in an AP class because I had gotten transferred from remedial environmental science the year before to an AP class because he said I was smart, sure I am smart when it comes to dealing with tectonic plates and theories about how the earth is formed because I actually give a shit about that but I am not smart when it comes to naming the parts of a frog and a grasshopper by dissecting them. A vegan dissecting an animal was not part of my plan, I got my partner to do it and I ended up taking notes of what I saw.

What about chemistry? I never taken that and I honestly don’t plan to, also math is a huge downfall of mine, I ended up running away from calculus and going to college math which I got a B in it twice because they made me retake it in tech school.  It’s a miracle I got a B in it, I got one of my classmates in high school to explain the things and then I started to stalk my teacher in order to get him to explain the math, by stalk I mean I would go 3 hrs early and stay 3 hrs after his courses were done to go to his special classes which he explained easy ways to do math. Mr. Russo (sp?) was the best he said I did very good in math and that I should go into Accounting, I should have listened…But no I decided to stay in Computer Programming, imagine me who almost failed Algebra 2 and Geometry in Computer Programming.  *smh* I ended up getting a good grade on the theory of CSS but when it came to applying it I sucked ass, I could not work fast enough to create a 6 page web page, and I had to use photoshop to do the code because I couldn’t remember how to do it well.  Basically, I passed a lot of the classes because I used my wits. I used to work part time as a student teacher though the school because I actually did well in the theory courses but then after working in the assignments with my client, when I would take the class I totally would not want to work on them again, then I realized that school was not accredited and I went through a bad depression because all that debt I was accumulating and those classes would not be transferred, I left that tech school in 2011 after almost finishing my degree I only needed 6 months but the depression would not let me take those classes, I hated the fact that Microsoft had become such a strong part of my life and that I was always going to be using the tool which I used for fun and be sitting in a cube all day long typing away some code.  I hated it, I did not find any fun in it, I am not one of those people who code facebook or anything like that which find pleasure in getting lost in code, I am fucking dyslexic I get lost easily.

But yeah depression almost took me to taking my own life through those moments, it was horrible feeling like a little insect among this huge world. Feeling that you have to slave away in a system that even if you want to change it won’t because we are all wage slaves in the end, I still feel like that but I can deal with it now more than before because I learned a few techniques from my psychologist at the time, I also found it interesting when I went to try to get help that they get paid 63 dollars to just listen and make notes of people’s lives and try to figure out how to make the person less stressed, after all sometimes what people need is to be listened.  I for one bottle everything inside of me and even with my loved ones I do not like to bother them because I do not like looking weak, except one year during boarding school I had my own friend be my psychologist, I should have known back then that is where my path lied but no I went through life in circles trying to figure out what was my path.  I never been good at doing anything with my hands, I suck at art, numbers, science, I am good at history and the social sciences and remembering conversations.

Back to my psychologist, she always asked me if I took a shower, if I ate and if I did not want to harm myself or others, at that time it became so tiresome of course I would not harm myself and much less harm others, I always thought that people that harm others are cowards.  We came to this world to help others not harm them, stupid people…

So, I made the math of money and economics perhaps not as hardcore as what they do in wall street since they hide between all those numbers fraud but anyway, I figured out that 63 dollars an hour was a good job and that by helping people with the experiences that I have passed by living in an urban city and seeing all the dysfunction in a daily basis and living in a broken home where my father left my mother when I was 4 and then he ended up getting married with his own cousin not long after and giving me a bunch of brothers.  Also having been sexually harassed and probably raped ( since I cannot recall my memories are all blank from various parts of my childhood).  I also lived through poverty and did not eat at times as a child, was also bullied. I totally know how it feels how to live through shit and feeling the world is working against you, I lived through all the bullshit and I am trying my best to stay afloat. 

I thought all those years of trying to float as in a middle of an ocean in some type of life raft which I ended up some how finding and making my way through the ocean of feelings was all done and over with but now my father wants to completely emancipate me which is fine because I am going to drop his last name, I am not going to care any more of keeping in contact with him.  I will not have him be part of my life, he has harmed me so much, and made me cry. It is destiny that wants me to completely cut off not only him from my life but his last name from me.  I will work part time and hurry up and finish my university so I can help other people that also know the struggle.

Right now, I am happy because I am finding my path and I have people who do care about me and are trying to help me even if sometimes that help can get me freaking out, like when my bf said to try agricultural studies at his university and I saw I needed biology and chemistry to get there, fuck it, I am going to do psych and work somewhere I can use my life story to motivate people, and make my mum proud.

Everything is running smooth.

I am very happy, extremely happy.  Honestly, I think the Gods really came forward to help me this time, they are working things so that I will be able to grow up and take the things which are meant to be mine.

I honestly think not only did the spell work but it seemed to be exactly what I needed, some how the paths are becoming closer, the path that I must take I can see it. So far, I am getting a lot of what I want and what I need out of my internet life.

I hope to hopefully be able to take these things in IRL soon, I am going to find a job and get a job save my moneys so that I can go to the US meeting for AVEN.  US Meet up in St. Louis, I need to find the cheapest ticket and a good hotel, although I already made plans for that one * winks*

I do hope everything goes well and why do people have to drive like they were in Indie 500?  Seriously, I mean the fucking speed limit is 25 not 300!  I heard in Texas they have high ways you can go 175 on, I seriously would die and start praying that I will be safe because that’s too fucking fast for my liking.

I am however going to order a few things in St. Louis, I hope that I can order things well!

Empty

I thought, I could gain something but instead I feel I lost something.

I thought that perhaps, I was making you happy but apparently you are better without me.

I feel like I am empty and lost.

I am trying to find myself, I wish I could keep you here with me.

I need to learn the definition of space.

I tend to be romantic and yet now I am finding out that I am moving towards the aromantic side of me.

I feel like a moon that has hidden herself in the dark once again.

I do not feel that bright any more, and it’s my fault.

I was the one that took things to the way they were,  I was the one making a fool of myself.

I did not listen and I did not understand what was going on.

I reflected my feelings onto you, and indeed I was moving too fast.

You warned me, and I did not listen.

I kept going, perhaps, I confused you?

I am not really sure but I really do wish that time would hurry up, I want to talk to you again, but once again I am sure I’ll be scared to.

I do not know how to talk to you.

I did start talking to you because I wanted to observe you instead I ended up losing touch with reality.

I started to dream big, perhaps too big.

I became awkward and hard to deal with.

I know now.

I love hearing nice things, and I like to be flattered.

I did not act how you expected me to act.

Perhaps proud and instead I ended up looking for you instead of you looking for me.

I should have given myself a place and not chase after you like a lost puppy.

It has been 2 years since I had to deal with something like this.

I lost practice and on top of that, I love communicating, just the idea of not having that link kind of unsettles me.

I expected perhaps that you could reciprocate my feelings.

That perhaps you would be glad that someone saw you in a different light.

I guess you were just being polite.

I do wish I was more patient, you told me that if we are meant to be it will happen.

I told you what I thought yet, I cannot help wanting more.

I am not used to not observing, I had separated myself from my feelings and now I find that I cannot do that very well.

I feel like you are getting along better without me, and that hurts me.

But, I should be happy and I will be happy.

I just needed this experience to remember that I need to better myself.

i am going to continue on my path and even if they do not connect and I do not become in the 100s I’ll be able to still be your friend.

I just need to learn how to go on with myself since you became my distraction from my IRL, a very nice dream.

Online Relationships

I have been on the internet for the longest time ever, since I was 12.  I grew up on it and learned new moral structures on it as well as had relationships off and on with people older than I was during high school and then when I got to my 20s I had relationships with people in my same age group.

I am 25 now and well I never really got to IRL dating, I had relationships in the IRL 4 of them I think, but 2 of them got started online and moved to IRL.  Yep, I know many people will say, “But Sebby, isn’t that dangerous?”

To those people I will say, nothing in this world is not dangerous, we are all going to die any way, I liked these people enough to meet them in the IRL and so far nothing bad happened, well except that our relationships did not work.  Mr. S as I am going to call him lived far away, I went to see him over there, the plan was for friendship but his whole family thought of us as bf and gf so I was like…okay?  But nothing official was in place at all, he gave me a necklace for a gift and to be honest it was a second gift I have ever received from a guy.  I never really expected much from them since usually guys never came when I invited them to hang out, they usually left me there hanging.

I should be used to that by now but I guess like my way of seeing humanity, I always have this stupid belief that one day I will find a human worth my while, stupid huh?

So after that I had to pay his ticket to come to see me, yes, I am usually always the one that has to put forth everything, I guess it’s because I wanted it to work out?  I am such a foolish girl, I bought him God knows how many things, that perhaps, I should have kept for my damn self!  I really regret not doing that, and on top of that I left a lot of the stuff I bought for myself at his house.  I never got it back, and you know what, I don’t need it.  Oh, yes I got a gift from him it was a Good Charlotte Cd, we were both into that band.  We liked to pretend to be all goth and stuff, when we were both into Savage Garden, funny huh?  Of course we did couple stuff, and another thing we had in common was we both cut, yeah, talk about disaster.

I always kept expecting that he would feel the same about me, that he would be worried about me, when I went back home that time I went to his house, I called him to tell him I was fine, he wasn’t too happy about it because it was in the AM.  Freaking retarded perhaps it is because my family is like that, usually they call us to tell us they are okay no matter how late it is.

I really don’t see time when it comes to people I cherish, and apparently that’s another foolish part of me.

Fast forward to the time I was going to move for X amount of reason, I decided to try to find people in the town I was going to move to.  I found one, we got talking he was very funny very interesting, I really liked him.  Then when I met him, it was the 1st day I moved to the town I now live in.  We said we were going to meet in Eckerd Pharmacy this was back in 2005, that was the only place I knew that sold food and I had been eating bread and ricota cheese for Lucifer knows how long.  I really can’t stand ricota cheese now, or white bread to be honest.

So the guy Mr. R he helped me to move he offered, he came to our house helped us with a few things, it was cool to have someone help out.  Then I carried something, I remember and he tried to help me, then he noticed I didn’t feel well so he told me, “Can I massage, your back?”  I didn’t find any harm in it, instead it would be a large help because I was in pain, so I said “sure,why not.” his hands were nice and it helped me a lot.

Days passed perhaps a week and he came over, we said we were going to wear our Foamy shirts, since we were also both into that series, I am still into it, just that i haven’t really watched it lately, he kind of ruined it for me.  Then I noticed he had a piercing, I had not noticed that the first day we met, he had a dragon shirt that day we first met, but he was pretty cute looking so I didn’t give a crap.  But this time, he looked so awesome, we went to eat food at my neighbors house, he was there and he brought me the food to where I sat we started talking about random things.  He smelled like tobacco but he never smoked around me, because he knew I hated it.  I really liked the guy, then I asked him, “hey how does it feel like to have a piercing in your mouth?”  It was a very scientific question in my mind but then as I was showing him around my property the other house we had which was vacant at the time.  He pinned me to the wall and said, “You wanted to know what it felt like to have a piercing in your mouth, right?”  I was like ‘ Yeah, why?” and then he lifted my chin and kissed me, I was shocked so I put no fight and Gods, I didn’t want to put a fight, I liked the guy right.

He was nice to me and I enjoyed hanging out with him every week for the next 3 weeks and then he said “I’ll go see you next Tuesday, ” and next Tuesday never came.  I found out that he left and went to Job Corp which was far from here and then I went on with my life, I walked around the street where he said he lived, just to see if I could find him.
Nothing, I get all odd when I like someone, I know.  I can’t help it!

So, then time passed, there was a garage sale at this house, and there, I saw him giving a cup to this beautiful woman with blond hair, I am not going to lie to you, I felt jealousy, I wanted to cry.  I was 19 years old and that summer love of 05 was gone, it was dead and buried.  My mother and brother wanted to see the sale because they were selling things, I pretended not to see it.  I kept walking, if I had stayed there, I would have probably cried with there.  I am proud, I am very fucking proud.  I would not do that or bring myself to do that, I think I only cried in front of one guy once, that was Mr.S.  He used to love to tell me where, to walk and where not to walk, I was stupid, I didn’t tell him to fuck off right then and there.  Now, anyone try to do such thing to me, I would tell them to FUCK OFF!.

He did not stay away from this place, no he didn’t, I found him working at Kmart, my brother and mother wanted to say hi to him again, and guess what, he was my damn cashier.  Fate was horrible I had gained weight, I was not the same woman that he had kissed that one summer, I was different, and now I am not even close to that woman that fell for that guy she met that summer.  I think it was one of the biggest puppy crushes, I ever had, it was the wrong person and the wrong time, I guess.  I don’t regret the closure that I got that day, while in Kmart.  I put my purchases on the register and I walked right up to him, gave him the money and then not even said thank you, just put the things back in the cart and left.  I left him forever.

Eventually, I messaged him on AIM, I had not known it was him!  I thought it was this other guy, I had become friends with who lived in California, but no it was Mr. R, he was like, “Oh, you are from my hometown,” he said.  I was like ” shit…”  He told me that he went to the army and moved to god knows where the fuck, and I was like that’s good.  The conversation died, it felt awkward and then he said he had to leave.  I kept using that same account and he tried to message me again but nothing, I didn’t let him even get through.

I really do not know what happened to that grey cell phone with the blue light which I used to spend time texting him with, I remember that my room was large and I felt special, really I did, that someone would actually talk to me late at night.

Now, we are going to talk about strict online crushes, Mr. Se, this boy was in England, I was 18 and I was in my Senior year.  I really liked this guy, he had nice light eyes and such a pretty voice.  He was in university and me still a high school girl.  Our relationship got going it lasted for 6 months, of course, I was stupid I made my friends met him.  They told him “Oh, Sebby just can’t stop talking about you.”  Yeah, I tend to be one track minded, I guess that’s because I am agendered, I do not really fit into the whole, I am a girl, I should act like this.  I really really have no filter in my mind, I say what I want to say.  That usually gets me into trouble, or gets people scared of me.

Mr. Se played a joke on me and I don’t really do well with jokes and then on top of that he said he met someone in myspace, “Who is also Wiccan and believes in the same stuff you do and guess what, she is in ENGLAND!”

That really pissed me off, I hate HATE! being compared to people!  So, eventually he told me that, he felt like “obligated” to come home every day at 9 pm to talk to me.  Because, I got out of school and by that time it was idk 4pm here? Or some bull like that.

1) I never told him to come online at 9pm and not hang out with his mates.

2) I had hw obviously if he wasn’t online, I would have done that.

Then he said that, every time, he asked me something and I would notice that he had a different take on it, I would copy what he was saying and agree with him instead of stating my own opinion and being my ownself.

I was freaking in high school still, I had not seen enough of the real world to actually form an opinion on it!  I had no arguments to hold against a University student!  I am not stupid, if I saw that I was wrong, I tend to agree with them because I see that my thinking was flawed.

That relationship lasted 6 months I got in IRL with Mr. Cl

Then after that the most serious relationship I had was with Mr. St this was when I was 20.  He lived far away from me and he was a University student.  We found each other, exactly how?  I think I found him on skype.  I messaged him of course, it’s always me that messages people, same thing was with Mr. Se I found him on skype and IMed him.

Mr. St. he was going through a relationship issue, and I gave him advice, a lot of it.  He was 25 and I was 20, good age difference and he didn’t look that old.  He and me talked for hours on the phone, we texted each other, when I was in school he was still sleeping because he lived in the west coast.  But he did not mind me calling him or texting him whenever, I wanted to.  I really loved that, he was always there when I needed him… I told him that I liked him, yeah, I always end up doing that fucking mistake.  He told me he liked me too and that we were going to have a more official relationship.  So, time went on we kept talking and stuff and then suddenly I felt something odd.  I got this vision, (yes, I get visions at times and feelings) and he was talking to his Ex.

I was watching the fireworks trying to take pictures of them, to send to him like an idiot.  And he was talking to her, I was right, he was…He told me in the most oddest moment, and inopportune moment.  I had told him to be honest with everything, and yes he was, I am glad he was and I told him, I wanted his happiness but i also wanted my own.  If his happiness was with that girl, I was going to let him go, and that’s it.

After that we didn’t talk.  He messaged me a few months telling me that he had moved to Oregon and that his new gf didn’t want to go to Japan with him, I told him, that was his fault for choosing wrongly.  And then he said ” yeah you are right, when you told me that you were unforgettable.” and i said ” In the end we ended up being like our song, Spica.  far away from each other maybe we would never get to meet each other ever in this life.”

Yeah, I don’t know why people realize, what awesome person I am until they leave. This relationship was 6 months as well.

After that I went to second life, I had so many relationships in there, but this time with Korean guys, everything was well they were pretty nice and they liked and were amazed at the fact I spoke Korean.

I ended up with Mr.J It was 2010 and it lasted 6 months.  He used to be dominating over me and stuff and well I let him do so but eventually I was like forget this, but we had chemistry so that is why it lasted so long, I found out about his IRL life, it was so different from his SL life but that was fine, I didn’t care after all I knew SL was a fake place.
But then he got into another relationship, and the girl was Korean, this pissed me off.  I was the “eldest” in the relationship which meant I needed to keep my eye on this girl, WTF.  I left the relationship soon after that.

Then, I got in a relationship with this guy well it was mainly based on music, he and me liked music, my korean was not that well because he did not speak english but we kept talking and talking, in IRL he was a producer so I heard songs that he wrote and he had sung, he was half japanese and half Korean.  I had no idea if that was a lie or not but whatever.  He didn’t like his japanese side, but we kept talking and he sang and his singing voice was so beautiful, when I heard him talk , it made me feel like crap.  His regular voice was so what they call “ssagaji” or jerk voice.

Regardless, I fell for his singing voice, during that time, we were talking to his friend, I was like damn, his talking voice is wayy better than his singing voice but too bad I didn’t meet this guy first.

And then Ms. L came in, she was a japanese manga assistant, she had to spend a lot of hours in the studio but she was taking a vacation in LA so she was there when I was there, she used to sing too, her voice was so pretty and girly, eventually one of my friends found out that she wasn’t a she but a he, I didn’t really give a crap about that since Ms. L gave me something that Mr. producer guy didn’t, that was attention.  Ms. L told me that I was liking a “ssagaji’ that I was foolish for this and she thought I was smarter than that.

She and me only lasted a weekend after that things went to hell because Mr. Ssagaji found out and my feelings for him were very strong, wayy stronger than for Ms. L

And I didn’t realize that Mr. Producer liked me because of the language issues, so yeah, he told me ” okay between us it’s fixed but we can pretend not to be a couple in front of everyone else.” I was like fuck this shit.

After that he got married on the game with this older looking woman in IRL that was like 40.
Needless to say I was mad.

Then after that I met Mr.Pos he and me lasted for a while, we were friends he knew about my Korean relationships and all that, and he was really a she in the game, since I had been with Ms. L and the same thing happened, I didn’t give a crap after all who cares what kind of sex the people are.  That made me realized that I could fall for people’s personality no matter what sex they were.  Thanks, Ms. L I will never forget that lesson you taught me, even if apparently you were a boy, I don’t give a crap, you were a nice person and to think that I went out with a mangaka makes me very happy.

Because I knew about mangaka’s I knew it was odd that a woman would be working as one but, whatever I was just excited to know one and plus Ms. L you took me because that korean girl did not give you the time of day, so I was just a rebound so we are on the same boat.

Mr. Pos was very nice to me and he helped me get higher in the SL life chain and that was great, he and me were both perfect for each other in the game, he knew a lot about scripts and I knew about talking a lot, so it worked in the end but then I became sick in IRL and that affected the whole thing, I couldn’t take being in the club scene in SL giving up my IRL that I just quit and along with that, I quit everything in there.  Anyway, I wasn’t a sexual in IRL so Mr. Pos and me wouldn’t be able to be together in IRL any way.

That happened 2 years ago, and ever since then I closed my heart and well now I feel odd because, I feel like it wants to open but I do not want to commit the same mistakes I did in the past.  I noticed I been committing some of the same mistakes, as I was writing this, Lucifer made me see that.  Yeah, I had no idea really why I got the itch to write this but I see now what I have to do.

Give space.

Do not do things because people want you to do them.

Be yourself.

Do not think that everything that’s online will translate itself IRL.

Get to know people better.

Most important take responsibility for your actions and get to know yourself.

Be patient.

Thanks, Luci…<3  I needed to see this.

Witch’s pride in me

“Your average witch is not, by nature, a social animal as far as other witches are concerned. There’s a conflict of dominant personalities. There’s a group of ringleaders without a ring. There’s the basic unwritten rule of witchcraft, which is ‘Don’t do what you will, do what I say.’ The natural size of a coven is one. Witches only get together when they can’t avoid it.”

Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad

Hell yes!  This is so true, I always wondered why I am a very dominating type of person, of course I let people lead me from time to time but it’s because I have no choice over it.  Magickal wise I am practically taking things like what plants should I use and how to make a spell and then my brain does the rest.
I guess magick is very symbolic to me, I don’t think I could take having people telling me what or what not to do, that is one of the main reasons why I left the Christian churches and also I did not agree with the dogma.
So like Lucifer I am very prideful and head strong, I do things which I should do even if those around me don’t really understand, I am very rebellious, he in my opinion had that side of his kind of tone down for a while, but eventually it took over and he wanted the stuff how he saw would be right.
That’s exactly how I am, I can keep a low profile for a while work in the background and them bam move out of my way or you will get hurt, of course even if it means “losing” but losing a battle isn’t bad to be honest after all new things are born out of chaos.
I rather have my hotel booked in hell than in heaven because of course it’s mega overated, and the party if there will be, most likely will not be in heaven.
Btw, I don’t really believe in hell but if I had to chose, I think I chose lava lamps over trumpets and lame songs.

Imith number of spell I did.

I think this is like mainly the first time I document doing a spell. I am doing this because I want to make the visualization and the intent of the spell stronger, even if I just got done with it.

Well, I taken a few things which I saw other witches do in Mexico which is put the spell into a bottle and then bury it, I still haven’t been able to bury it because my neighbors dogs started barking as soon as I went outside.  It’s almost 12 am it would be a great time for me to bury it but apparently Hekate has other things in her mind.

I just hope that no one finds the spell.  I will try to wake up at 6 am or something fancy like that to bury it.

Okay, intent, my intent is to bring closer distance.

I want to grow strong and be able to knit distance closer so that I can find a partner.

Yes, I know that many people say but love spells this and that, but I don’t believe in that crap, after all I do not see things as black and white, I see them as they are all colors.  I visualized this and where i want to be in life, which mostly everyone does any way.

 

Okay, so I took a piece of paper I wrote everything, the date and my name and what I wanted.  Imagine whatever you like but I have my own visualization thing going on here.

I put a bowl of water with salt and fresh roses which I got from my garden.  I put them there to kind of represent the Goddess and be there as my support.  I actually had a vision of putting my name in there, so I did.  I then started to stir the bowl clock wise and visualize what it was that I wanted.  I kept chanting it for a while. *tries to visualize to make it stronger now* okay, done with that.

Before I started though, I got 2 candles, one white and one red.  Side by side I got both of them and I also had a sea shell with water inside of it representing Lucifer of course, he is my patron God after all.  I wrote the 3 Goddesses names and his name as well in the paper, so that it could go directly to them?  I at least in my naivety presume this, since in IRL letters are sent like that to the person they should go to. 

I then got a bowl and filled it with nuts, I don’t know why really but I thought it would make an awesome offering, and then I burned sage right in the bowl.

I got a bell it had a deer or something on it, so it will be for ringing at the end of the spell.

So then, as I said I burnt the pieces of paper put them in the bowl.

Then the bigger piece of paper with the full spell I put them in this caldron and started to burn it, eventually my red candle decided to give me a bit of wax.  So i took that and placed it on the paper that was already burning, oh Gods did it do a reaction it was so beautiful.  It started to fill the caldron with even more flames, I visualized again and chanted what it was that the spell was for.

Then, I took the white candle which has cinnamon and sage on it already and poured the wax on the caldron as well.

I had to use the fire maker again and again because things kept turning off.

So then after that I started to visualized I then went to get a glass bottle and as I said I put EVERYTHING inside of it save it for the candles and the bells and the cauldron.

And then I enclosed it, I thank the Gods now because the spell is finally done, and at that time I rang the bell.

So, that’s my spell.  I hope that my intent the Gods understood and they will be with me all the step of the way.

Well, I am still experimenting with everything but, I just do what comes to mind, I need to buy more stuff like candles and such.

I don’t know many things like how stuff should be done or what not. I just do whatever comes to me.

Oh, my dear Lucifer, why must I feel so distant from you.

At times you come and go as you wish, I wish you could stay with me.

I really wish I knew the path I am supposed to take, I think am a bit of a standstill right now.

I am going to move soon and try to reform my life to the way I should live it.

I am going to enjoy my life and every little bit of my body, from my head to my toes.

I am really trying to be happy and content with my life, tasting everything, seeing everything and hearing everything.

I do not want to regret anything, I know that perhaps I should take things a step at a time.

Everything needs to pass through every step of the process.

Oh, my heart why must you feel like this.

A mixture of anxiousness and impatience.

I finally started to open my eyes and my heart to perhaps something that could lead to more.

I wish to flower this plant and perhaps fruit will grow out of it.

But oh dear Luci I am so scared, very scared that this will end up badly.

I think I could hear you saying. ” Enjoy it while it lasts.”

Yes, I will try very much, I just hope that it will last.

I am getting attached too soon perhaps, the feelings of the rocky soil have not faded but yet I find myself plowing through the dirt not knowing if I would be able to rescue that lovely plant.

Sure, I have to be open to a few things which I am really not but so far it does not seem like it will be a burden.

But, I feel clingy, I feel attaching myself.

Oh, Luci there are just too many signs I cannot ignore, how can one letter be in both places yet so far away?

It doesn’t really make sense.

Oh, I wish I was more patient and waiting.

But why did you make me as stubborn and rebellious as a bull?

A bull falling in love with a scorpio, who in the world would thought that that would bring me down from my throne.

I always thought, I was not going to be like the rest of them.

Perhaps, I am not to that extent but I find myself waiting.

And when I see or think of such things, my heart skips a bit.

I feel just this will all pop like a bubble and I will have to fade away like the little mermaid.

But like her, I think I am going to jump on this boat and hold on until the last note.

Oh, my dear Luc…